Wordless.
At this moment I struggle to condense or confine my experience down into black and white English letters. Amid this maelstrom of thoughts and issues and ideas I search, struggling to encounter coherence and clarity, but it often evades me. Yet I choose to trust God- even now, in the center of a storm of emotions and passions and disordered longings- knowing that his knowledge of me surpasses my own.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that things find their meaning as they relate to Christ. This, I feel, has been one of many powerful themes; one which has continued to collide with me throughout countless stages of my journey. We are found in [God] was how my cousin, Darin, phrased it.

Jesus is the designer- the carpenter- of the world. He laid everything out with wisdom and logic. Humans have thus wrestled with the enormous underlying why, rising up from the depths of our being- at times with a pitiless revulsion like bile and at other times like an animating flame or an adventurous spark- but nonetheless relentless and echoing. This question, for me as well, has been insistent and crucial- not only on an abstract, theoretical level but on a daily, practical, concrete level. Why go for a jog today? and Why was I created? resound inside my head with equal urgency.

Both of these needs, I am continuing to discover, are met in Jesus. That is, the need for deep hope and fulfillment of the profound questions and the need for meaning and importance even in the seemingly inconsequential questions. The amount of sense Jesus gives to my big picture leaks into every small action and menial task; it is thorough.

Letting Jesus become the answer has been like a bridge for me- bearing me onward, slowly and precariously, over yawning chasms of fear, anxiety, depression and hopelessness. We are trekking on, and through God’s relentless faithfulness I am learning to be equally forceful in my trust of him, even embracing the brokenness he throws my way. The hardness of God is kinder than the gentleness of men, it has been said. So I will continue to put my faith in his sovereignty, though I cry out from a valley of communal destitution for healing, yet I will confide in him.