“Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea;

reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite.”
-G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

It is interesting how, when life begins to fall apart and things amount to a state of turmoil, that we as humans seek to find reasons. There must be something we have done, or failed to do, that has caused all this turbulence in what was once a calm, ordered, peaceful existence. We desperately look back to find a place where we may have erred and brought on these strange circumstances, but we are often left scratching our heads. This, at any rate, has been my struggle to interpret my current situation.

Our family has been assaulted lately by lies, frustration, insults, threats and even seeing Antonio- who I know to be a lovable man- put in prison. I personally have been struggling with a sense of meaninglessness and depression. Although distance from God may have been the original cause of both of these occurrences, considering we are not living in harmony with the reality of our Creator, I feel there has been something more profound at work.

Initially, I would not have suggested the possibility that Jesus is behind and in and through all of this, but the other night I felt a forceful realization come upon me: He is Lord of the Storm as well. I do believe Christ has a purpose for bringing such things about. He has torn me away from my idols: things I have centered and built my life on, that give me meaning, self-worth, joy and security. In the midst of crashing waves, I have begun to see a sense of my helplessness, my weakness- my lack of control.

Why is it that I constantly try to carry the weight of the universe on my shoulders, suggesting that I design and determine my own fate solely through my own actions? For that is what I assert when I scrutinize and analyze my past for failures: perhaps if I has just done this or that right, if I had followed the formula, things would never have come crashing down. But my house was weak from the start. Assuming control of one’s life sounds liberating until one realizes that it is ridiculous; it drives one into fear and religiosity and a skewed image of who God is. We were never meant to take that position; the Lord is Sovereign.

So as the waves came rushing over me and rain pelted furiously down, I began to see the futility of my Narcissism. It was as though I was clinging anxiously to a lonely life raft, bouncing precariously in the midst of an unyielding tempest. In my severe lack of power, I saw God’s glorious ship floating by- tall and unshaken- the only way to shore and safety!

Jesus, in an undermining wisdom, showed me that my problems were beyond me; he is a Holy, Powerful Teacher. He didn’t minimize the storm, he simply maximized himself. He was broken to see me so unstable, being blown around and thrashed in a merciless downpour. “Come aboard, quick!” he cried out. “Yes, you will lose control, but I’ll be your captain. Wait until you see how firm it is up here!” As I reached my hands out to him in prayer last night, looking to his refuge to see me through, I was reminded of a similar instance in John 6. “Do not be afraid,” I heard a voice say, “ego emi: I am.”