Expectations: I came down with a whole lot of them- good and bad; accurate and inaccurate. I was warned to be careful and realistic about them, and as idealistic and imaginative as I am, I tried not to let my hopes swell too much and to keep my head out of the clouds. Shattered expectations, apparently, are the chief cause of missionary depression. One is left disappointed and with a haunting sense of failure: I was hoping to have more converts by now or I thought God would have helped me overcome this sinful habit or I had expected to have accomplished more in one year. These are a few vague examples; real disillusionment is not a pretty sight.

As I jogged tiredly downhill last Wednesday, having finished an exhausting twenty-minute climb, my mind moved into the realm of expectations; dreams and results and truth and the like. And as I let my legs flow like Jell-o, leaning lazily back and letting the hill pull me closer to the barrio, I was forced to ask myself the question: do you have the right to feel discontented or regretful at this point, as your trip comes to a close? What are you able to say in response to all you aspired to and all that was realized? Has this trip not exceeded your expectations in many ways?

As I continued my contemplative descent, some examples moved to the forefront of my thoughts. Were you really expecting to achieve this level of communication ability in Spanish; to have your ears opened to the language, when at first all you heard was gibberish? Were you really expecting to be able to conquer the Hill? [The first attempt I made it about 300 meters, the sun beating down on my back, and just about fell over; the incline is brutal.] Were you honestly expecting to have grown creatively in the ways you have; to have produced art and music; to have written and discovered and been inspired; to have begun the first crucial steps in developing style, mixing it with passion for Christ and letting your talents unfold?

Did it enter your mind that, by the end of twelve months, you would have been a part of such great photo opportunities and experiences, having expanded your knowledge and captured moments to the extent you have? When that airplane took off, did you imagine being so deeply integrated and accepted in another culture; moving with the flow and learning to love its beautiful aspects in all their variety and newness and wonder; to be telling their jokes and savoring their food and dancing to their rhythm? As you entered Puerto Plata, having to push aggressively for your baggage and receiving foreign insults, did you anticipate relating to a Dominican family with such depth and freedom; impacting and being impacted in countless and magnificent ways?

Finally, could you truly have conceived the ways in which Christ has revealed himself to you; his gospel crashing down like a meteor and bursting in fiery purification; his love covering you like an inconceivably glorious armament; his greatness and glory pouring into your heart and causing a new sort of life to bloom? To all of these questions, especially the last, my answer was: no, this was not part of my game plan.

But thank God I wasn’t in charge! When I see my Master’s wisdom I find that it is infinitely more profound and intriguing and wonderful than my own. Ephesians 3:20-21 puts it like this: “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”