“Every man has forgotten who he is.
One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego;
the self is more distant than any star.”
G.K. Chesterton

Yeah- this week has been the strangest mix of good and bad; delightful and painful. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by expectations others have of me here, or frustrated at how awkward/ superficial relationships can be between people of different cultures and languages. Sometimes I feel afraid or worthless- or angry at those who see my existence here as a big joke.

At the same time, though, I have experienced moments of pure joy. Photography was awesome and so was the teacher training program. I feel blessed to have shared and learned from the Oregon team; they encouraged me in so many ways. Sharing stories on the bus was hilarious; I feel so wonderfully enlightened as to what Elizabeth and Darin have experienced.

On Wednesday night we all headed down to Los Pomos- another barrio- where the El Camino church was having a campaign. I was reflecting on my trip so far and different moments and I felt pretty lowsy prior to. My friend Aneudy prayed with me and later on that night we joined in the Virus concert. It was seriously amazing and by the end we were all jumping and dancing. Like I said, it’s been an erratic week.

The reason I included the quote up top is because of how it relates to us all. I was reflecting earlier on how- here in the world- ugly or poor or stupid people are seen as less valuable. We’re all struggling to be seen as valuable. My buddy Adelson said: “Inside, we’re all precious. God sees us as being worth everything; worth his very life.” Yet we still put a lot of emphasis on how we compare to others or whether or not others accept us.

If only I could forget about my appearance, or rather, remember that it doesn’t matter. Isaiah 53 depicts Jesus as someone people don’t even want to look at, but who in history has ever been so sure of who they are? He was lit on fire inside by the knowledge that his Father loved him beyond comprehension. This brought him bliss; this brought him glory and confidence and perfect, pure, sincere love. He was able to totally move past all assumptions, worries, fears, judgments, etc. and just enter into authentic relationships with humans.

But here’s where our problem comes in. We have forgotten who we are. I have forgotten who I am. I know this because I am prideful; I know this because I lack confidence. A knowledge of sin undermines pride while a knowledge of God’s love conquers fear. It is this intricate balance of two extremes that provides powerful freedom.

Yet my real self feels so far away; and my worldly self so enveloping and inescapable. It is amazing to consider how much of what I do is centered around or driven by how others may or may not perceive me. Somewhere deep inside I am battling to discover who I am. In fact, central to running this race with perseverance, will- for me- mean working past false judgments and working towards an accurate picture of my created self- how God sees me. I aim to throw off all that hinders and rush into a life of faith and love; knowing exactly who I am and allowing that security to flow into every area of my existence.

So those are my reflections this week.

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Peace

Derek